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Yes, the new year – 2011. Where’s my rocket pack, cars with no tires, pill for dinner? What happened to the technological advances I was tempted with in Popular Science? Why do things feel the same? I know things have changed, but what do I look for in that change that I cannot find?

Change was inevitable, even if it’s not the change I was looking for. All around me I hardly noticed it because change has been gradual, subtle, but steady. If you were to pull someone from 1985 into 2011, he would be amazed at the technological advances, changes in the economy and world governments, social surroundings, and many other things – things we probably don’t even notice. Our friend from the past would “ew” and “ah” over cell phones, automobiles, computers, the Internet, a black President, free refills, the prices of…everything, the openness of homosexual relationships, high def, the number of churches at every corner, and so much more. However, I also imagine he’d be a little disappointed to not see flying cars, people living in space, and more unity around the globe. I am sure that among the revelations of things that came, he’d be looking for the things that didn’t. And why? Simply because he was expecting something – whatever it might have been. He, just like all of us, have expectations of things to come. We all look forward, with a wishful mental grabbing at anything that gives us purpose for the days ahead; or perhaps not purpose, but just the opportunity to look beyond our present state of being. Having a bad day? Look forward to better days to come. Having financial trouble? Look forward to winning that lottery. Tired of being the little, working man? Look forward to social reform that makes us all equal. Feeling gloomy? Look forward to climate control, where you can dial in the sun every day. Go ahead, come up with any expectation that takes you away from your state of being and puts you into a better life.

No, I’m not saying that expectations are bad, or that even I couldn’t use a few more sunny days, rather, learn contentment in all things – every road you travel, each path you cross. In The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992), Kermit the Frog says, “Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it.” His lesson of accepting life as it comes and goes is a priceless revelation. So go ahead and look forward to dinner with the spouse this weekend, or time away from work, or a better world, but don’t forget to hold close each moment and live the here and now.

Today I came across a Facebook page of an old friend, and something about the way I believed changed. It felt revelatory, but perhaps it was actually out of compassion, or empathy, that my paradigm shifted. No matter, what I believe was challenged with what might actually be.

Life’s journey can be one of predictability – or at least in theory. Sure, no one can tell the future (save the crystal ball gypsy), but with some praying and planning, it’s possible to plot points, milestones, in a half-hearted attempt to move forward in the direction YOU desire to take. Feel no shame here, for the Bible says something about “man plan(ing) the way, yet God direct(ing) his step” – the idea is that we should make those plans, then trust the Lord to straighten them out. Herein lies my shifting paradigm.

I have wanted, perhaps, to believe that the shortest distance is a straight line – and even Solomon speaks of God making the crooked road straight – yet I wonder, maybe the “straight” he speaks of is not a linear approach comprehended by our own understanding. Maybe, the straight road winds through life’s ups and down, joys and sorrows, to find us closer to Him – ‘straight’, as in, straight toward Him. That monkey-wrenches my carnal understanding. And bravo!

In my confession, I have always been hard on others who tarry through difficult times, citing “victory through the Blood” and other such truth; however, we don’t all walk the linear road. Whereas, I am hard-lined to follow what I believe to be “the right way”, and arguably I can stand my ground, the reality is that Christ brings us ‘straight’ to Him through a myriad of personal journeys. I think I understand better now.

Back in the early 80’s I remember sitting on a pew on a Sunday night being scared by a film showing the doors of a church locked and the Christians kept out. The narrator went on about how our “Christian rights” were being trampled by a heathen government, and that one day we’d all be forced to meet underground.

Now, almost 30 years later, I see something else. Today’s church are the ones locking the doors – to keep the world out. It’s a disturbing trend, but not all together surprising.

As location manager on a recent film shoot, I needed a place to feed a film crew and cast of 40-60. We had catering provided, so all I needed was a roof, possibly some tables and chairs. Fortunately, I thought, we were in an area of town surrounded by a half dozen plus churches of varying denominations – surely, I surmised, the church would love to open it’s doors to the lost and wounded, even perhaps offering to feed us. Who was I kidding? Not only did the church (churches) deny us access to their facility, but they went on to tell me how inconvenient it would be to rearrange sitting that had already been put out for the Sunday school gathering. In addition to the inconvenience of having us around, I was quoted fees for access and cleaning, IF we had even been permitted to enter their holy building. And not once did a church elude to providing a meal. This disturbed and offended my faith.

What a great opportunity the “church” had to bless the lost and wounded, to bring the love of Christ back into the lives of men and women who knew Him once yet have been wounded by the American Church. What a great chance to simply allow the nature of Jesus to work through sharing a meal. It is a crying shame that this “child” went hungry, thirsty and naked.

Wake up Church! See the opportunities that Christ brings you in His time, in His own way, and embrace the moments that cause you inconvenience and disrupts your schedule. By giving to the least, you have given to Christ.

The hardest part about being who I am is that I must change when God requires change.  Often, I don’t want to change; rather, I’d like to tell Him to forget it because life is going along just fine the way it is. But in truth I know that the change will bring about an incredible difference. It will be a change that will resonate through my life, touching my gifting and others as I embrace what God requires. I fight it though, not out of defiance, but out of fear. I fear the change, I fear the cost of losing all that now brings me comfort – I fear being alone.

I mean, who is this God that thinks He can just come in and rearrange things how He wants them? Who is He to think my life belongs to Him? Why mess with me? Am I that important, worthy in His eyes, when all I feel is empty? I cannot begin to fathom what it is He feels for me. Who is He?

To know who He is I must know a little something about myself – and that is often the joke, the punchline, if you will. I think I know me. Ask me who I am and I’ll rattle off a list of accomplishments and goals, how old I am, my martial status, children, home, work, etc. Ask me who I really am and I’ll go into my dreams and aspirations, sharing perhaps some fears or pains that have shaped me. Ask me who I am again and I might break down into tears because I can’t see that deep into myself. Who am I to know the depths of my own heart – how can I know? My hands didn’t form the inner contents of my physical being, didn’t shape the contours of my emotional self, and didn’t pick the levels of love and rage that would carry me through. I couldn’t possibly know what exist, though I’m told I’ve been made in God’s image. If this is true, then through natural reasoning, knowing God would at least be some small measure for me to know myself. Or so it would seem. But really who is God, and how could I ever know Him – really know Him? Even the Bible says that no one can know the mind of God. Am I to assume I can know Him?

So back to knowing myself… I think I have a better chance to know me in order to learn something of Him. Even in the little things I believe there are God-like qualities that linger from my earlier days of meeting Him for the first time and embracing who He is.

“In the 1970s and 80s, I was the Schaeffer version of a Far Right Franklin Graham-type of harsh and absolutist self-reinforcing extremist. The more doubts I had the farther to the Right I moved ideologically, as if shouting loudly and angrily enough could solve my problem. What was my “problem?” Simple, it boiled down to two issues. 1) My nagging questions about why THE BOOK (the Bible) I was trying to literally believe (and convince others to believe) didn’t match reality. 2) Why were the sorts of people I actually liked being with — my gay acquaintances in the movie business, secularists who’d liked my art, other “non-Christian” artists, lapsed Jews, assorted agnostics and/or the “Wrong” sort of Liberal Christians (even some Democrats!) — counted as “The Enemy,” while the True Believers with Correct Views on everything from the Book of Genesis to who to vote for, were so often mean-spirited Village Idiots that I’d rather be shot than hang out with?” – Frank Schaeffer in a www.huffingtonpost.com article

I came across this post which led me to further research Frank Schaeffer.  You see, Frank was instrumental in my thinking when I heard him speak at a Crisis Pregnancy banquet back in the early 90’s.  His influence had more to do with my relationship with the world than the abortion issue directly.  Well, through my research, I discovered a “new” Frank, and it was of interest.

I discovered a man who thinks much like myself (in some ways!), but who also doesn’t appear to understand the person of Jesus.  He does not appear to grasp the concept of a personal relationship with Christ.  He does not appear to fully understand the purpose of the cross.  He does not appear to understand this:

“My deprecation to the church
You cannot talk about increase and prosperity in God
without talking about the ministry of Jesus;
and you cannot talk about the ministry of Jesus
without talking about His love for the whores and losers.
It is undoubtedly what we reject as lost;
what we view as dirty and leaden;
what we profane.
When what we see is only evidence that we do not fully understand
the calling of Jesus – that what lies beneath is in need of God.”

But despite all of Frank’s shortcomings, he is closer to the truth than most of the “Christians” in this world today.  Today’s Christians often miss the mark due to their ignorance of Christ’s very journey, and rather than speaking the truth in love, they attempt to defend their religion in Pharisaical form.  I say to those Christians, “Give self-righteousness a break.”  Show Frank the Jesus of the Bible, rather than prove him right.

I want to like myself. Seriously, at the end of the day, I want to know that I did everything I possibly could to make the right choices, love as Christ instructs, and be alone with the satisfaction that I left no ‘intentional’ reason for someone that say, “That schmuck!” Sure, someone will say it, at some point, when they get up in arms that I failed them, or that they perceived I have failed them, but as long as I can honestly and comfortably say I did what I could to keep the peace, love and serve others, I will have succeeded – in my own worldview, that is.

Will I always overcome my self-made and proud persona? Well, I hope to. But even if I fail, I must simply regroup at day’s end and venture forward the next day. It used to work me up when I looked back over the events of the day and see where I “might have” failed in my relationship with someone. I say “might have” because often our perception is a false reality – we think there’s a problem where there isn’t, that we offended where we didn’t. It used to eat at me, as I’d wrestle through the dialogue and events that could have led to interpersonal conflict. Sometimes the conflict is obvious, even stated, but lots of times it’s a subtle moment that we agonize over, wondering if that was the right move, or the right thing that we said. I want to go back and do it differently, then have both options to pick as the “reality” of the moment. Too bad I can’t have that superpower.

So my goal is to behave each day, resting each night in the calm assurance that I did what I could – no matter the repercussions. If I failed, knowingly, or otherwise, I want to be able to handle it in a manner that suggest I am OK with me. I want to like myself, because not liking who I am is a time intensive focus that robs me of so many better possibilities.

Every brain has a processor – no doubt – to handle tasks management, compute and analyze, and make decisions based on what is input. But less known, is that all brains also have varying degrees of memory. And it’s the memory, or lack of it, that allows the brain to multitask.

Example: My beautiful wife has one heck of a processor, a powerful CPU that can handle varying tasks over multiple subjects, taking information and outputting results. She cannot, however, process more than one or two tasks at the same time – this is due to a lack of sufficient memory. Now don’t confuse memory with the ability to remember something, but rather, like a computer, the more memory you have installed the more programming you can do at once. She simply falls short in the memory category, and therefore, she can only tackle each problem as it comes — one at a time.

On the other hand, I have quite a lot of that multitasking memory. That ability to work with actors, while observing consistencies in lighting, considering the budget, thinking about the weather, and staying on the story is part of my making — I was born with it, and over time I have developed it. It serves me well as a producer/director on set. It serves the crew well in that I am not oblivious to their input, conscientious of their time. It serves the producers well in that they don’t have to panic over budget spikes and thoughtless “directorial whims”. Having this “gift”, this multitasking advantage, will continue to give me that professional and creative edge.