The hardest part of being who I am

The hardest part about being who I am is that I must change when God requires change.  Often, I don’t want to change; rather, I’d like to tell Him to forget it because life is going along just fine the way it is. But in truth I know that the change will bring about an incredible difference. It will be a change that will resonate through my life, touching my gifting and others as I embrace what God requires. I fight it though, not out of defiance, but out of fear. I fear the change, I fear the cost of losing all that now brings me comfort – I fear being alone.

I mean, who is this God that thinks He can just come in and rearrange things how He wants them? Who is He to think my life belongs to Him? Why mess with me? Am I that important, worthy in His eyes, when all I feel is empty? I cannot begin to fathom what it is He feels for me. Who is He?

To know who He is I must know a little something about myself – and that is often the joke, the punchline, if you will. I think I know me. Ask me who I am and I’ll rattle off a list of accomplishments and goals, how old I am, my martial status, children, home, work, etc. Ask me who I really am and I’ll go into my dreams and aspirations, sharing perhaps some fears or pains that have shaped me. Ask me who I am again and I might break down into tears because I can’t see that deep into myself. Who am I to know the depths of my own heart – how can I know? My hands didn’t form the inner contents of my physical being, didn’t shape the contours of my emotional self, and didn’t pick the levels of love and rage that would carry me through. I couldn’t possibly know what exist, though I’m told I’ve been made in God’s image. If this is true, then through natural reasoning, knowing God would at least be some small measure for me to know myself. Or so it would seem. But really who is God, and how could I ever know Him – really know Him? Even the Bible says that no one can know the mind of God. Am I to assume I can know Him?

So back to knowing myself… I think I have a better chance to know me in order to learn something of Him. Even in the little things I believe there are God-like qualities that linger from my earlier days of meeting Him for the first time and embracing who He is.