I want to like myself. Seriously, at the end of the day, I want to know that I did everything I possibly could to make the right choices, love as Christ instructs, and be alone with the satisfaction that I left no ‘intentional’ reason for someone that say, “That schmuck!” Sure, someone will say it, at some point, when they get up in arms that I failed them, or that they perceived I have failed them, but as long as I can honestly and comfortably say I did what I could to keep the peace, love and serve others, I will have succeeded – in my own worldview, that is.
Will I always overcome my self-made and proud persona? Well, I hope to. But even if I fail, I must simply regroup at day’s end and venture forward the next day. It used to work me up when I looked back over the events of the day and see where I “might have” failed in my relationship with someone. I say “might have” because often our perception is a false reality – we think there’s a problem where there isn’t, that we offended where we didn’t. It used to eat at me, as I’d wrestle through the dialogue and events that could have led to interpersonal conflict. Sometimes the conflict is obvious, even stated, but lots of times it’s a subtle moment that we agonize over, wondering if that was the right move, or the right thing that we said. I want to go back and do it differently, then have both options to pick as the “reality” of the moment. Too bad I can’t have that superpower.
So my goal is to behave each day, resting each night in the calm assurance that I did what I could – no matter the repercussions. If I failed, knowingly, or otherwise, I want to be able to handle it in a manner that suggest I am OK with me. I want to like myself, because not liking who I am is a time intensive focus that robs me of so many better possibilities.
