I am perspicacious. Few people care – especially those that wish only to see a certain set of skills. Others celebrate a portion of my keen judgment. No matter, it is me that must learn to change.
I have done others wrong by imposing my judgments upon their projects. Not out of meanness, mind you, simply from an ignorant state. I thought others wanted something which I simply presumed upon them, not clearly defining my personal goals and ambitions. Indeed, my mistake. And one which will not be so easily repeated. And yet, I feel hurt, as if my aptitude toward production was unappreciated. Does the idea of “collaboration” mean nothing? Where is the benefit in producing labor for another’s glory?
It’s a tough balance. One the one hand, I understand the need for “community” in indie film; yet on the other, I understand the importance of self-promotion. I try to walk that beautiful balance between giving and taking, but often short-sheeting my intentions, which leads to kicking and screaming as the night gets colder. I want to “give”, but I grow restless in the making, sorry that I gave. It would have been better to charge the premium and play the part. Instead, I charge little to nothing and still play the part. In the end, the “what’s in this for me?” comes creeping to the service and frustration grows from impatience. I need to be “that guy on crew” for a rate, or self-promote at no charge.
Be it true, there are those that will do and give with no expectations – but they have nothing to offer in return. For those of us that have much to offer, we must get something in return if we are to continue to grow. Balance, balance, it all weighs on personal ambition. There is just not enough time in my week to be everything.